We all know it’s not easy letting go of the pain that a partner causes you—and this can be an understatement. Some people get so hurt they seek to hurt the very person that they love so they can feel that same level of pain. The only thing about taking this approach is that it doesn’t relieve any of your own pain—not if you really love that person.
Pain automatically leads to anger for many people; it’s human nature. How many times have you hit your toe and just let the profanity rip from the top of your lungs? So when you find out that your partner has been lying about money or they kissed someone who wasn’t you, it’s only natural for you to feel hurt and furious all at once. This rush of emotion doesn’t just stop after a few days. But at some point, it needs to stop for your own health and the health of your relationship.
Agreeing to work it out doesn’t alway equate to forgiveness. Whether you decide to stay in your relationship or leave, it’s essential for your happiness to forgive and release yourself from that rage. Otherwise, you will transfer it into your future relationship.
Agreeing to work it out doesn’t alway equate to forgiveness.
Identifying your reason for not wanting to forgive can actually be the first step towards forgiveness. Ask yourself, ‘why is it so hard to forgive and allow myself to be happy with this person?”
These are 3 of the most common reasons I hear people say, “I just can’t seem to let go of what he/she did.”
Fear of disappointment can hinder us from forgiving and becoming vulnerable again. What’s that saying? ‘Once a cheater, always a cheater?’ We could apply this mindset to any situation and live in fear that our partner will hurt us in the same way again. But if you can’t bring yourself to trust your partner, despite how much time has gone by, you’ll either be stagnant in the relationship or it could end. If you are both working to rebuild that trust, remain open and honest about your feelings of doubt and let your partner know what you need from them to move forward.
“I’m just so angry…”
Anger can really hold our happiness captive and blind us from a certain level of reasoning. Yes, your partner betrayed you and yes you have a right to feel angry but it doesn’t do you any good to hold on tight to those negative emotions long term. Try to allow yourself to get to a place of understanding and consider how remorseful your partner is for their actions.
Holding on to a grudge can hurt you just as much and maybe even more than your partner. What happens when they stop apologizing and decide to move on?
“They don’t deserve my forgiveness…”
But don’t you deserve happiness? Sometimes we punish our partners by refusing to forgive—whether we realize that’s what we’re doing or not. This can be another way to hurt him/her the way they hurt you. Holding on to this grudge hurts you just as much and maybe even more because at some point your partner can decide to stop apologizing and move on. Rework your mindset to think, “Yes I’m hurt but I do love my partner and I want us to be happy. And the only way to do this is by forgiving.”
At CWC Coaching, our team consists of licensed therapists, life coaches, and counselors. We assist clients with self-improvement, career development, negative self-talk, psychological pain, self-sabotaging behavior, past hurts and finding your purpose.
If you are ready to increase your self-awareness and happiness, breakthrough limiting behavior and understand your purpose in life, we’d love to help guide you on this journey.