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April 18 2023

The Importance Of Knowing Your Partner’s Love Language

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Relationships are beautiful, but they take a lot of work to maintain. What makes it harder is when you and your partner feel as if you’re speaking different languages. If this persists, it can ultimately create distance between you and your loved one. Hence the importance of knowing one another’s love language. No matter how loudly you speak or how well you express yourself to your partner, your attempts may go unnoticed if you aren’t speaking your partner’s love language.

In a nutshell, love languages are five ways that people speak and understand/interpret emotional love. Love Languages are a concept developed by Gary Chapman, a marriage counselor & author of the bestseller book, The 5 Love Languages. The concept is based on his anecdotal research from 30 years of marriage counseling. The 5 love languages are: Words of Affirmation – Gifts – Acts of Service – Quality time – & Physical Touch

Through our love languages, we express love. The meaning of love is not the same to everyone. The action of love is different for everyone. Knowing how to speak the love language of your partner is critical to a successful relationship. Understanding the love language of your partner bridges the gap of miscommunication and misinterpretation of intentions. It can also provide insight into what means the most to you and your partner… and also what can hurt you the most.

A person can have more than one language, but the key is finding the most dominant one.
Knowing and understanding love languages can drastically change your perspective of your partner, your family, & your friends. Take time to devote attention to your partner and your other loved ones. Be sure to consider their love language when communicating with them, when expressing love to them, and even when conflicts arise.

At CWC Coaching, our team consists of licensed therapists, life coaches, and counselors. We assist clients with self-improvement, career development, negative self-talk, psychological pain, self-sabotaging behavior, past hurts and finding your purpose. If you are ready to increase your self-awareness and happiness, breakthrough limiting behavior and understand your purpose in life, we’d love to help guide you on this journey.

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April 3 2023

Self-Care

Chantel blog, Couples Corner 0

Oxford dictionary refers to self-care as the practice of taking an active role in improving and protecting one’s own well-being and happiness, particularly during periods of stress. Over the years, the word self-care has been used in many ways. While some people have the right idea, there’s also a lot of misconceptions about self-care. For example, self-care is not self-indulgence nor is it selfish or narcissistic. Self-care is not a luxury. It’s a necessity for a healthy, happy life.

Sometimes, when people think of self-care, ideas such as a day at the spa, going on a vacation or having a relaxing drink after a long day may come to mind. Those aren’t the wrong ideas, however, self-care is much more than that. Listed below are a few examples and benefits of self-care.

Exercising

Self-care shouldn’t be something done once in a while. It should be a daily routine (or weekly, depending on what it is). Exercise is a form of self-care. Not only does exercise improve one’s physical appearance, but it also releases endorphins in the brain, which have a role in reducing stress and managing depression.

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Setting boundaries is essential for a healthy, productive relationship. Boundaries can be emotional, mental, or physical. Setting boundaries isn’t constricting, but a part of establishing & defining individuality and identity. The type of boundaries chosen will differ from person to person. However, the intention should always be the same for every person…to set the tone of how one expects to be treated and to protect one’s mental, emotional, or physical health from being taken advantage of.

Healthy Eating

Many people are so caught up in the daily stressors of life that forgetting to eat becomes common. When they finally take a break to eat, it’s usually quickly popping something in their mouth, or getting a fast, convenient meal. Oftentimes those quick snacks and meals are unhealthy for the body. A great way to incorporate self-care is to be mindful and intentional about what we eat. A healthy diet can positively affect the body and the mind, improving memory and sleep.

Taking care of yourself shouldn’t only be reserved for vacations or when you’re sick. If self-care isn’t something you usually practice, it may take some time getting used to, but remember that you should never feel guilty about it. Instead, welcome it into your life. Embrace it and understand that in order to be the best version of yourself, self-care is necessary.

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March 21 2023

What to do about mistrusting your partner

Chantel blog, Relationship Advice 0

Do you find it difficult to trust your partner? Do you find yourself checking their phone or even doubting where they say they’re going? Are there parts of your relationship that you’re insecure about?

In the previous blog post, we discussed mistrust in relationships & the common signs that people show when they lack trust. This week, we’ll be focusing on what to do about not trusting your partner. These tips are for people that have decided to remain in the relationship and try to make it work.

Commit To Doing The Work & Don’t Retaliate

There may be days when you want to retaliate, but hunting your partner won’t take away the pain. It will only make it more challenging to move forward with your relationship. Commit to doing the work even on the days that you don’t feel like it.

Don’t Snoop

Many times, people snoop because of doubts. Some snoop around their partner’s personal belongings or personal accounts. The longer you continue to snoop, the harder it will be to stop. You could always find a reason to snoop around, but do you really want to be in a relationship where you’re constantly checking behind your partner’s back?

Be Transparent

Express to your partner why you don’t trust them. Be open and honest. Do your trust issues stem from past heartbreak from an ex? Do they stem from being raised in an unstable environment? Or do your trust issues stem from something that your current partner did? It’s important to be completely open and honest with your partner about where you believe your trust issues stem from.

Sometimes, people go through life unaware of how their actions affect those around them. Could your partner be unaware that their actions are promoting mistrust?

This step may seem unnecessary if you think that you’ve already told them what you needed many times, but sometimes, in the midst of frustration & hurt, there can be a lot of miscommunication and misunderstanding. You may feel like you’re clearly communicating, but your partner may just hear noise and frustration.

The mistrust of your partner could be from them not responding to your texts/calls, it could be your partner not telling you who they’re hanging out with, it could even be your partner not giving you a heads up about an unplanned expense (financial mistrust). Whatever the reason, be sure to clearly state the specific actions that make you insecure about trusting them.

*tip: Write it down in a letter and give it to them, if you need.

Listen To Their Side Of The Story

After expressing your feelings of mistrust, it’s very likely that they’ll want to explain their side or defend themselves. Allow them to. Give them the opportunity to express themselves the same way you wanted the opportunity to express yourself. Consider their perspective.

Communicate Your Needs

Don’t only tell your partner what the issue is. Be sure to tell your partner how the issue can be fixed or how they can help. If you need more communication throughout the day, if you need clearer explanations, if you need to get to know their friends more, or if you need your partner to go to counseling with you to help build trust, tell them.

Lead By Example

It’s not easy to be kind, open, and honest with someone when you feel that they aren’t doing the same with you, but sometimes, the best way to encourage your partner is to do it first…and keep doing it. Tell your partner where you’re going, who you’re with, and if you’re planning to spend a lot of money.

Assume Your Partner Has Good Intentions

Usually, when adults no longer want to continue a relationship, they leave. Assume your partner is with you because they actually want to be with you and no one else. Do you have concrete proof that your partner is cheating? Trust is a choice.

Trust is about much more than not finding proof that your partner is unfaithful. Trust is about believing that your partner has your best interest at heart.

About CWC Coaching & Therapy Chantel Cohen

If you are ready to increase your self-awareness and happiness, break through limiting behavior and understand your purpose in life, we’d love to help guide you on this journey – contact us.

– CWC Team

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February 14 2023

Signs of Mistrust In A Relationship

Chantel Ask Chantel, blog, Couples Corner, Relationship Advice 0

Trust is essential for a successful relationship. Mistrust can hinder that, but putting your trust in someone after you’ve been hurt is easier said than done. Listed below are a few signs of mistrust in a relationship.

You’re Snooping On Your Partner’s Phone/laptop

If you find yourself sneaking to check your partner’s phone/laptop , it’s likely that you’re concerned about who they’re talking to.

Asking For Proof For Everything

If you’re constantly asking your partner to show proof of where they were or who they’re communicating with on their phone, there’s a trust issue in your relationship.

Constantly Checking Their Social Media

Checking to see what recent pictures they’ve been tagged in, checking their friend’s page, checking to see who’s commenting on their pictures, or where they’re checking in- These are all signs that you don’t trust where your partner is going and who they’re communicating with. So much is hidden behind a password and that can drive a person crazy if they don’t have trust.

You Demand Their Passwords

Their social media pages, email, & even their texts & calls– you want access to all of it. If you’ve demanded your partner’s passwords to check up on who they’re communicating with, your trust in your partner could be very fragile.

You’re Intimidated By Every Attractive Person Around Your Partner

Examples of this are looking to see if your partner is staring at someone or asking your partner if they find someone attractive. This may be a waitress, your partner’s coworkers, or even friends.

It may even go as far as not trusting the relationship between your partner and their friend(s)/coworker or not trusting their motives. The mistrust could be due to past hurt from previous relationships, hurt from your current relationship, or even fear from seeing it happen to someone else. Whatever the situation, rebuilding trust is essential for ensuring your relationship can last.

Check out the next post: What to do about mistrust in a relationship.

January 11 2023

Coping with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

Chantel Ask Chantel, blog, Mental Health Management 0

For people experiencing winter Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD, the winter months can feel not so merry and bright.
Seasonal Affective Disorder is a mood disorder that happens around the same time every year (this is one of the things that makes it different from regular depression). For people that experience winter Seasonal Affective Disorder, it usually begins when the weather starts getting colder and ends when it starts getting warmer. Individuals with SAD often experience:
-Feelings of sadness, irritability, or anxiety
-Feelings of hopelessness
-Feelings of guilt and worthlessness
-Apathy
-Loss of interest in usual activities
-Loss of interest in being around others
-Fatigue & Low Energy
-Trouble sleeping
-Difficulty concentrating
-Angry outbursts
-Suicidal thoughts
-Decreased sex drive
-Craving for carbohydrates
-Weight gain

If you or someone you know may be experiencing winter Seasonal Affective Disorder, consider speaking with the doctor to help set up a treatment plan that’s right for you. There are also some steps that can be taken at home to help yourself or a loved one.

Plan A Trip

If it’s possible, plan a trip to a warmer, more sunnier location. Sometimes, we need a break from the cold and darker environment. In addition to the sunnier skies, planning a trip can give us something exciting to look forward to, which can improve one’s mood.

Consider Your Diet

During depression, it’s likely to turn to comfort foods filled with carbs & artificial sugars. You don’t have to completely cut out carbs and artificial sugars from your diet, but remember that having too much can quickly raise your blood sugar levels, which triggers a spike in insulin. This causes blood sugar to be rapidly metabolized. That sudden drop in blood sugar can cause fatigue, headache and irritability, which can worsen your symptoms of SAD. A diet rich in fruit, whole grains, vegetables, & fish is associated with a lower risk of depression and a diet rich in red meat, refined grains, sweets and high-fat dairy products is linked to a higher risk of depression. While a healthy diet alone may not be the cure for Seasonal Affective Disorder, it certainly can assist in helping you feel a little better in your day to day living

Consider Light Therapy

The lack of exposure to regular amounts of sunlight contributes to the development of SAD, so, Light Therapy should be considered for the treatment of SAD. Light Therapy consists of exposing yourself to a bright, white artificial light that mimics natural outdoor light, in efforts to ease SAD symptoms. Light therapy improves mood & energy by triggering the release of serotonin. Light therapy also improves sleep & focus by resetting your circadian rhythm to its natural state & regulating melatonin. During light therapy, you sit or work in front of the light therapy box. While you don’t need a prescription to buy a light therapy box, you should talk to your doctor before starting light therapy. It’s best to be under the care of a health professional while using it due to the side effects that could be developed from over usage or sensitivity.

Be More Social

Sometimes when you’re depressed, it’s easy to isolate yourself. But rather than staying home, excessively sleeping, or watching endless hours of TV, connect with the people that make you happy. Your loved ones could offer some support in this time of need, or just provide a way of escape, when you just don’t want to focus on your sadness. If you can’t get out, consider connecting virtually.

Quality Me Time

Though you’ve been advised to be more social during this time, it’s also important to spend quality time with yourself. This quality time should be intentionally geared towards making yourself happy. This shouldn’t be confused with being idle or isolating yourself due to sadness. It’s you time that’s intended to relax and refresh you. Encourage yourself to do this at least once a week. You deserve it.

December 8 2022

The Holiday Survival Guide: It’s okay to be you.

Chantel Ask Chantel, blog, Mental Health Management 0

The holiday season can bring about many unexpected feelings. Many people try to hide or ignore these feelings in order to not disappoint…especially if it seems like everyone else has the holiday spirit. In this season, it’s important to remember that whatever feelings you have, it’s okay to be you. It’s okay to not be in the holiday spirit & it’s okay to not want to do what everyone else is doing. This holiday season, it’s okay to just be yourself. The rest of the world will be okay.

It’s Okay To Say No

The desire to please everyone this holiday season could result in you being exhausted, This year, you may be asked to host Christmas dinner, you may be asked to pick up a last-minute gift, you may be asked to host family members from out of town, asked to cook certain dishes, or even invited to a holiday party. If at any point you feel exacerbated or unhappy about doing any of this, remember that it’s okay to say no. There are many stores and restaurants that make great meals and if having certain family members in your home could disrupt your peace of mind, they could always stay in a hotel or with another family member. Practice saying no without feeling guilty or over-explaining. Maintaining a peace of mind is always a good enough reason.

It’s Okay To Be Happy

Birthdays, holidays, and other special days can be tough for some. They might have experienced the death of a loved one or another form of loss. Sometimes, the idea of being happy on those special days can make that person feel guilty. If this situation describes you, remember that you deserve happy days, even while grieving. If you lost a loved one, allowing yourself to be happy during the holidays doesn’t mean you’re forgetting your loved one. You can honor their memory even through being happy. If at any time, during this season, you feel even the slightest bit of holiday cheer, allow it and embrace it. Feeling guilt during the holiday season can also be due to remembering the disadvantaged & impoverished. Many people don’t have the access or ability to enjoy the holiday season. Remember that it’s okay to enjoy the fruits of you and your family’s labor (See “It’s Okay To Do Something Different & Special” for more ways to deal with the guilt).

It’s Okay To Be Sad

Maybe you’ve lost a loved one or maybe this year has just been hectic and you just need to relax. Whatever your reason is for not being in the holiday spirit, know that it’s okay to be sad. You may feel pressure from friends and family, strangers you see out, coworkers, and even the media to be jolly, but if you’re just not feeling it this year, it’s okay to take a break from it all and look after yourself. Just as it is okay to allow yourself to be happy, it’s also okay to allow yourself to be sad. You are allowed to feel a range of emotions. It’s even okay to not love everything about the holiday season.

It’s Ok To Do Something Different & Special

Certain traditions are typically followed during the holidays (going out to pick a tree, decorating the tree, singing carols, families going to the mall together…ect). Holiday traditions are fun, but you don’t have to always stick with them. If you’re getting tired of your same old traditions, do something different and special this year that makes you feel happy and fulfilled. You can donate money in memory of a loved one, you can volunteer at a homeless shelter, you can even take a trip to a tropical, warmer place and spend your holiday there. The spontaneity and breaking the mold can feel exciting. Don’t confine yourself to only going with the traditional flow of things.

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November 14 2022

Common Gaslighting Phrases

Chantel blog, Relationship Advice gaslighting

Gaslighting usually takes place in relationships and social interactions where there is a power imbalance. A person experiencing gaslighting may become confused, withdrawn, or anxious and they may not realize the behavior is abusive.

Here are some common gaslighting phrases:

“You need help.”
“You’re just crazy.”
“It was just a joke.”
“You’re just insecure/jealous.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“You’re overreacting.”
“You’re just being paranoid.”
“You’re imagining things.”
“That never happened.”
“You’re just overthinking it.”

People experiencing gaslighting often find it challenging to trust themselves. Gaslighting is abusive, it can wreak havoc on the mind, and it’s damaging to relationships.

October 19 2022

Handling Gaslighting

Chantel Ask Chantel, blog, Relationship Advice gaslight, gaslighting

The term “gaslighting” refers to the manipulation of someone, by psychological means, into questioning their own reality, perception, or sanity. The term originated from the 1938 play (and 1944 film adaptation) Gaslight, where the protagonist’s husband slowly manipulates her into believing she’s going mad.
Gaslighting usually takes place in relationships and social interactions where there is a power imbalance. A person experiencing gaslighting may become confused, withdrawn, or anxious and they may not realize the behavior is abusive.
Here are a few tips for responding and restoring a sense of peace and control.

Focus on the truth

It’s easy to feel distressed and overwhelmed when you’re being gaslit, but remaining calm can help you remember what actually happened, reassuring you that you’re not crazy. Focusing on the truth can help boost your confidence and make it easier to handle the gaslighting going forward.

Take a break

If you are feeling overwhelmed, take a break from the conversation and revisit it later when you feel more calm.

Go for a walk

Briefly stepping outside can help you clear your mind and refocus.

Speak up

Gaslighting can involve criticism and insults. Don’t be afraid to calmly and politely speak up. This shows them that you are aware of what’s going on and that you won’t except the behavior.

Involve Human Resources

If the gaslighting happens at work, your human resources department may also offer support.

Involve someone

Seeking input from different people in your life can help reinforce your knowledge that you aren’t confused, “crazy,” or losing your memory. Someone trying to use gaslighting tactics will typically have a harder time manipulating more than one person.

Collect evidence

Documenting your interactions can help you keep track of the truth.

Here are a few ways to collect evidence:

Take screenshots and save emails.

Note dates and times of conversations.

Seek Professional Help

A mental health professional can help you learn more about the situation, gain perspective, and develop new coping strategies that can help you deal with the behavior.

Remember that you are not to blame for gaslighting & you are not responsible for the actions of others.

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September 22 2022

Falling in Love With Your Partner Again

Chantel blog, Relationship Advice 0

Falling out of love doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s time to end the relationship. You may not wake up every day feeling as in love with your partner as the first time you did.

It’s important to remember that at the beginning of your relationship, there were certain behaviors and actions made by both you and your partner, that caused you to fall in love. The same is true for falling back in love. The only difference is that now, you must be more deliberate and intentional. You must work to keep your love alive.

Below are a few ways to begin reconnecting with your partner to help you get that spark back.

FORGIVENESS
Making mistakes is inevitable and we all, at some point, need forgiveness. Forgiveness is important for the success of a relationship and it’ll be challenging to move forward in a relationship if you don’t forgive your partner. It’s counterproductive to not forgive while trying to work on the relationship. If held onto long enough, unforgiveness can become bitterness, frustration, resentment. Love can’t thrive in the same environment.

If your goal is to work it out, trying to get back at your partner will only extend the pain and stifle hope for progress in your relationship. Seeking revenge won’t change what happened and it’s very unlikely to change how you feel. Forgiving isn’t always easy. Whenever thoughts of the pain or betrayal come to mind, don’t dwell on them.

KINDNESS
Try your best to be kind to your partner. Your partner may even begin to mimic your behavior as well. It’s hard to be hostile and angry when someone is being nice, open, and soft towards you. Showing kindness towards your partner might not immediately result in them doing exactly what you want, but being soft and kind to one another are the beginning stages of opening yourselves up to be more receptive to one another’s thoughts and feelings.

COMMON INTERESTS
Personal interests can change over the course of a relationship. It’s normal and completely okay. Couples aren’t required to have all of the same interests in order to achieve a successful relationship. It’s even okay for couples to pursue their own personal interests/hobbies, but the issue is when one partner begins feeling disconnected or even bored in the relationship. This can put a strain on the relationship and even make a person question whether they’re even compatible.

Remember that each of us has the capacity to change. Try new experiences and hobbies with your partner. If the first few tries aren’t a good fit for you both, don’t get discouraged. Keep trying. Consider this as an opportunity for and adventure and quality time. Newfound interests will give you and your partner a lot to talk about and connect with.

SHOWING APPRECIATION
Showing appreciation is essential to nurturing a healthy relationship. There are so many ways to show that you appreciate your partner. 1-You could occasionally leave cute sticky notes around your home, telling your partner why you appreciate them. 2- Randomly buy thoughtful gifts. 3-Write a heartfelt letter, expressing to your partner how much they mean to you. 4- Take your partner out on dates. 5-Give them a break by offering to take on the household chores sometimes. 6-Book a relaxing couple’s spa. 7-Praise your partner in front of your friends and family. 8-You can even show appreciation by simply saying “Thank You” more.

Showing appreciation does not mean your relationship is perfect. Showing appreciation serves as a reminder of all the beautiful things about your partner. It can help to shift your focus from the negatives to the positives. Showing appreciation & praise can also motivate your partner to do more of what you’re appreciative of.

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September 2 2022

What does Perfectionism Look Like?

Chantel Ask Chantel, blog, Mental Health Management

Have you ever heard someone say “I’m a perfectionist”? It seems as if people brag about it or use the phrase to explain their desire to never settle for anything less than the best. But many people don’t understand the full meaning of a perfectionist. This week, we’ll be delving into perfectionism and focusing on what it really means.
Here are a few signs of a perfectionism:

A fear of failure

No one wants to fail, however, perfectionists see anything less than “perfection” to be failure. Many perfectionists have a difficult time taking risks, due to the fear of failure. Sometimes, this fear can be paralyzing.

Procrastination

Perfectionists constantly wait on the “perfect time” to complete tasks and because they worry so much about things being done imperfectly, they procrastinate so often that they can become unproductive.

Extreme Critique

Perfectionists spot the tiniest mistakes and imperfections in themselves and in everything they do. The smallest mistakes feel like significant failures to them. They focus on imperfections and are hard on themselves when a mistake is made or when their plans don’t go perfectly. Perfectionists feel as if they’re constantly letting themselves and others down. This constant, extreme critique can result in persistent guilt, leading to low self-esteem. They can later begin to feel as if they just aren’t good enough to accomplish anything.

Depression from unmet goals

Perfectionists are often unhappy. When things don’t go as perfectly as they planned, and their high expectations aren’t met, they beat themselves up, wallow in their feelings, and eventually become depressed.

Feedback is not taken very well

Many of us want to hear that our work was done well, however, perfectionists can get very defensive and can even lash out at constructive feedback.

If any of these sound like you or someone you know, share this post and be sure to come back for the next blog post.