Part Two: Reigniting Your Sex Life
Well you asked for it and here it is!
Learn how to rekindle your passion, whether you’re in a 25 year marriage or a relationship that may have seen some bumps in the road.
When you have not had sex in month or two…or six, you might need to set aside guidelines in order to regain momentum. Scheduling date and intimacy nights seems to lack spontaneity, but these guidelines are put in place, in order to get you started.
Like training wheels it is only temporary and the point is to keep you on course until it becomes second nature.
Below are some guidelines influenced by Amanda Chatel (via Bustle).
Sex Once a Week
I wasn’t kidding about the date night thing. Yes you may feel awkward in the beginning, but you have to dip your toe in the pool. Sexual pleasure has it’s physical benefits. Research found that orgasms are good for the brain. Scientists at Rutgers University used MRI machines to study blood flow, while women masturbated. They found that blood doesn’t only flow to the nether regions, but also to the brain, which floods with nutrients and oxygen in the process.
If you try some of the positions suggested in part one, you may have very new, intimate and exciting moments with your partner. Use these moments to spend quality time together and the next time you see your partner, you’ll think: “Gosh, I can’t wait to be with him/her again.”
If there has been infidelity or trauma remember to take it slow. Have a night every week dedicated to foreplay and masturbation. Always be mindful of your partner’s needs and respect the natural pace of things.
Whether it be lingerie, chocolate or whipped cream, surprises are just another form of foreplay that builds you and your partner’s anticipation for something new and exciting.
Not to be mistaken with fantasy football night. Fantasy night should help you learn more about your partner. Before getting started, have a discussion. Discuss the things you have always wanted to try, or things you fantasize about. Once you openly discuss curiosities without judgement, try something new! Again be mindful of your partner’s hard and soft limits.
Making out regularly is a must. So many couples fall into the trap of delivering quick, often empty kisses as they run to begin their busy day . Remember when you felt that high of the first kiss? you can have that feeling again. Given the proper attention, making out can act as a fire starter for much more intimacy. “A physical touch to the lips with a person activates your brain. Your brain responds to the signal, by shooting off hormones of oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin.”
This one can be a little tricky, but if navigated properly it can be very beneficial. You may be super busy and always on the go, however, building intimacy with your partner throughout the day is still possible.
Sexting, when done properly, can serve to arouse and excite. It also builds confidence and desirability. Sexting can be a nice surprise to spice up your partner’s day.
Make up sex
For many couples make up sex is intensely sensual because of those passionate emotions, built up from an earlier fight. Put those emotions to good use. You don’t have to do this every time you fight, but try it–at least once!
“Everything But” Game
This game is played, strictly in order to build desire. As mentioned, in part one of this series. blindfolds are a great accessory and perfect for the “everything but” game. Tease your partner with feathers, ice, petting, licking, grabbing. Explore your partner’s body without initiating intercourse. This game is meant to heighten one’s desires and senses.
This is of so much importance, it requires repeating.
Tell your partner what feels good, what doesn’t and what you’re not yet prepared for. If you are not inclined to be vocal, use nonverbal cues. Use your hands, or theirs, to direct.
I’ve worked with couples who feel embarrassed to vocalize their needs, so they text or write little love notes. “As our sexual health columnist Emma Kaywin likes to say, ‘communication is the best lubrication.”
Toys Always Make a Playdate Fun
Toys are used to elevate the sexual experience. According to Lisa S. Lawless. Ph.D. sexual health and wellness expert, “These little pleasure-tools quickly increase blood flow and stimulate the sensitive bits so easily that they can help increase sexual arousal, engorgement, and lubrication — not just at the time of use, but also long-term.”
Three cheers for foreplay!
Foreplay can definitely aid with increased blood flow, lubrication and getting those happy hormones going. For some foreplay can be better than the actual act of sex, and it lends to a more powerful and explosive orgasm. “It’s particularly important for women to have successful foreplay because it takes a woman a longer time [than a man] to get up to the level of arousal needed to orgasm,” says “Dr. Ruth” Westheimer, EdD, a psychosexual therapist, professor at New York University, and lecturer at Yale and Princeton universities. Foreplay serves as a stimulant and it prepares your body for sex . It can serve as a tool, to make you feel more comfortable with your partner.
Don’t Take Yourself too Seriously
If it is your first time as couple trying a new position, role playing, or trying a new, adventurous fantasy, don’t sweat it if all does not go perfectly. If it feels awkward, make an adjustment. It may take a couple of attempts to re-introduce sex, or move from the mundane ritual to the exciting. Don’t overthink it, relax. Give yourself over to that special, spectacular moment if only for a while.
Dive in and start connecting!
Sometimes, it is a little difficult for some more than others.
Traumatic events and trust issues can get in the way of your sexual and intimate satisfaction. Keep in mind, however, that communication, or seeking professional help is necessary. Steady the pace of your partner.
Sometimes, your partner may not understand their triggers, or tastes, so always communicate and seek to understand. Survivors of sexual trauma are at an increased risk of a number of psychological conditions, like depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). These can all affect your sex life. It is important to have a therapist or relationship counselor help you, during this journey. Rebuild those effective communication tools, and remember, it is okay to be sexy and confident.
If you are in need of a therapist or have any questions, reach out to the staff at CWC Coaching and Therapy. We have an extensive understanding and appreciation for the complexities of love,career, relationships and intimacy.
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