Being happy is intentional. It’s something that one must create and maintain. Happy people constantly engage in happiness-boosting habits. One of the main differences between happy people & miserable people is their habits. Today, we’re delving into the habits of happy people, in efforts to consciously construct a more happy, fulfilled life.
Be Grateful
Practicing gratitude daily can boost your mood. Acknowledge one thing you’re grateful for every day. This practice can encourage positive feelings of hope and happiness. Throughout your day, try keeping an eye out for the positive and pleasant things in your life. These don’t have to be huge things. You can find pleasantries in the simplest things that happen throughout your day. This daily practice could make you become more aware of all the positive things around you, resulting in you being more grateful in life and happier.
Keep A Journal
Keeping a journal is a good way to destress, to set & achieve your goals, to organize your thoughts, analyze your feelings, and even to self reflect. You don’t have to be a professional writer to keep a journal. You can simply jot down a few thoughts before you go to bed.
Get Plenty Of Sleep
Poor sleep can affect one’s mood by causing frustration and stress. Adequate sleep is vital to brain function and emotional well-being.
To build a better sleep routine: -Keep notes of how many hours you sleep each night and how rested you feel. -Go to bed and wake up at the same time every day(including weekends). -An hour before bed each night, do something relaxing that wines you down. Let this be your quiet time. It could be taking a warm bath, reading, listening to relaxing music, or even playing a crossword puzzle.
You hold the key to your own happiness. By choosing more happiness boosting habits, you can create a life in which you are genuinely happy.
At CWC Coaching, our team consists of licensed therapists, life coaches, and counselors. We assist clients with self-improvement, career development, negative self-talk, psychological pain, self-sabotaging behavior, past hurts and finding your purpose. If you are ready to increase your self-awareness and happiness, breakthrough limiting behavior and understand your purpose in life, we’d love to help guide you on this journey.
Congratulations! You’re considering a Resolution for 2020. We think you can absolutely make your resolutions stick. In this article, we will explore three enhancements to help you keep your resolutions today, in 2020, and beyond. For the quickest answer for most of us, skip to the section entitled Do It Yourself?
Make Your Goals SMART.
Here’s how you make your 2020 Resolutions SMART – Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Time-Based.
Specific.
Develop your plan for achieving your goal by asking lots of questions and refining your goal. For example, instead of declaring that you’ll finally stop snacking, hone your resolution by asking questions: what’s your why? how will you stop? who can you count on for support? when are you most likely to want a snack? And, importantly, how will you overcome obstacles?
Measurable
It is critical to have a metric to know that you are making progress and that you have achieved your goal. How do you want to measure your health? – by pounds, a tape measure, body mass index, etc.? There are even ways to measure relationship goals! So, find a way to quantify your efforts.
Attainable
A goal should be achievable/attainable. Whether your goal is for a financial, career-based, health/well-being or centered around a relationship objective, research the standards and see if it’s doable. Without this confirmation, your initial goal may be a tall order to achieve, potentially causing disappointment or, ever worse, a waste of energy.
Realistic
Considering other activities in your life, how likely will you be able to fold these new, specific tasks into your life. What else are you looking to attain in 2020 and how does this goal fit in to your other objectives?
Time-Based
Convert your resolution into monthly and then weekly milestones. Assign the tasks within your goal to times in your calendar.
The SMART goals will provide clarity, structure, and the big why to persevere, but we are missing a huge element – energy.
Energy Map Your SMART- Goal.
Strategic energy mapping is a term to focus you on the ebbs and flows of your energy on a typical day (Stanford Professors Bill Burnett and Dale Evans). When do you naturally have your highest energy each day? Can you harness that energy towards your new goal? By looking at the typical week for both the opportunity and the energy for a new habit, you are more likely to keep your resolution.
Consider which activities improve your energy flow. What’s your energy re-set: Is it playing a musical instrument, a brisk walk, connecting with a friend, looking at art or wildlife? Explore and apply. Use an energy re-set to fuel the new habit and build progress and achievement of your resolution.
Energy mapping your day, week, and month can transform your calendar to what you long to do personally while managing the obligations that keep your life running. As a result your SMART tasks can find their way into your calendar with a higher likelihood of getting done. And with SMART goals and Energy Mapping you are better equipped to NOT be one of the 80% who find their resolutions slipping by February (US News & World Report, December 5, 2018).
Do it Yourself?
Some people thrive by working independently, but most achieve their goals more easily and quickly by working with an impartial, experienced coach. (C. Sime. “How Does Coaching Actually Help Leaders.” Forbes, March 28, 2019). The Forbes article cites a recent study that found individual coaching to be superior in goal attainment as compared to a group training or a control group with no intervention.
Anecdotally, we’ve seen even our busiest clients stay on track and accomplish their goals because of regular coaching meetings. For example, one of my clients is a CEO who made time to meet even in her busiest season. She said,“When I hear you re-state some of the ideas, I can decide which ones to eliminate and which ones to pursue. It frees up my mind to do other things.” The investment of time with her coach generates the clarity to make other decisions and yields better results, sooner.
Clarity. Balance. Decisiveness. Happiness. These are some of the many ways our clients describe their lives as a result of working with us. CWC Coaching and Therapy is client driven, empathetic, and highly attentive. Our full suite of research-based services support clients through life coaching, therapy, and relationships.
If you’d like to explore how we can support your new year, book your complimentary, private, 20-minute consultation with us today.
BIO: Genie Sockel is a Life Coach at CWC Coaching and Therapy. She has a J.D. from Georgetown Law and a B.A. in Psychology from Yale. Genie enjoys seeing her clients grow and in her personal life she enjoys singing and songwriting and watching their Border Terrier, Seamus, swim at the neighborhood nature preserve.
At CWC Coaching, our team consists of licensed therapists, life coaches, and counselors. We assist clients with self-improvement, career development, negative self-talk, psychological pain, self-sabotaging behavior, past hurts and finding your purpose. If you are ready to increase your self-awareness and happiness, breakthrough limiting behavior and understand your purpose in life, we’d love to help guide you on this journey.
Last week, we began discussing how to deal with stressful family drama during the holidays. This week, we’re delving into more helpful strategies to not just survive this holiday season with family, but actually enjoy your time spent with them.
Find reasons to be grateful
Try shifting your thoughts this season by focusing on what you’re grateful for. Doing so can lift your mood. You can choose to find the positives in anything. Whether it’s gratefulness from being with family that you haven’t seen in a while, a new addition to the family, delicious food and traditions, having a home to live in, or even the beautiful weather. Focusing on the positives of being around your family this season will make the negatives seem less significant, likely resulting in you enjoying yourself more.
Be at Peace & Accept
The holidays are expected to be a time filled with gratitude and peace in our hearts and minds. Ironically, too often is it filled with pressure, anxiety, and frustration. Pressure, anxiety, and frustration of preparing food, traveling, giving the perfect gift, having your home look perfect, having everyone get along, and just having everything go smoothly. It’s best to accept that not everything will go as planned and to be at peace with it. Accept who your family members really are and accept that you cannot change them. Accept that you can’t control everything they say. Accept that there may be some friction and understand that where there are a group of individuals, there will be differing opinions. With all that could possibly happen, the day can still be beautiful. Accept the spontaneity and the mess. After all, picture-perfect holidays only exist in Christmas movies.
Shorten your stay
Perhaps you’ve considered this option before, but the feelings of guilt and obligation were too overwhelming. Your decision to spend time with family shouldn’t be led by a sense of obligation or guilt. If being with family for long periods of time is something that you can’t handle, then don’t. Consider shortening your stay. Deciding to shorten your stay doesn’t mean you don’t care about your family, but that you care about your mental well-being. Only you know when you can’t take anymore and only you are obligated to your own happiness.
Remember that you can’t control how anyone acts. You can only control your actions. Changing your mindset and properly strategizing is the key to having a happier holiday.
At CWC Coaching, our team consists of licensed therapists, life coaches, and counselors. We assist clients with self-improvement, career development, negative self-talk, psychological pain, self-sabotaging behavior, past hurts and finding your purpose. If you are ready to increase your self-awareness and happiness, breakthrough limiting behavior and understand your purpose in life, we’d love to help guide you on this journey.
The holidays are expected to be a joyful time spent with family. However, it isn’t always that way. Sometimes, passive-aggressive comments & invasive questions can put you in uncomfortable positions and just downright make you unhappy. The strife can sometimes be so intense that you may have second-guessed being around certain family members the following year.
Before you begin stressing out and allowing the drama to ruin your holiday mood, below are a few tips to help you deal with the family drama this season.
Inspire Fun Activities
While you cannot control everything that happens with family during the holidays, you can definitely spark some fun activities that could positively shift the mood in the room. Encourage your family to go around the table and share one thing that they’re grateful for, starting with you. Other fun activities to consider are bringing interactive games to play and bringing funny movies for everyone to watch. All of these ideas can help to encourage group participation and set a light-hearted mood
Don’t Let Them Control Your Feelings
Always remember that no one can control your emotions without your permission. You can’t stop your family from asking rude questions and bringing up controversial topics. But you can control your feelings and reaction. It’s simple. Don’t engage. You can even say, “Let’s not get into that” or “I don’t want to talk about that right now.” No one can force you to engage and before you become too overwhelmed, remember that you don’t have to sit there and absorb what you can’t handle. Remember that you can respectfully get up, walk away, and continue to enjoy your holiday.
Consider Their Perspective
As challenging as it may be dealing with certain family members, sometimes it helps to understand where they’re coming from. We only see some family members once or twice a year. As annoying as family can sometimes be, they love you. Many of their comments aren’t intended to hurt your feelings, but to help you consider an alternative option. Many of their questions aren’t meant to be invasive, but to get an update on your life, considering their limited opportunities to see you and engage in personal conversations. Knowing that your relatives mean well might not suddenly make you happy about their questions and comments, but it should help you take it not so personally.
Don’t let your family burst your holiday bubble. Decide that you will remain positive, enjoy yourself, and avoid the negativity. Commit to it. Regardless of your family’s opinions of your life’s decisions, remind yourself that you are doing the best you can. Also remember that their opinion of you is more of a reflection of them, rather than of you. What they think about you is not who you are.
At CWC Coaching, our team consists of licensed therapists, life coaches, and counselors. We assist clients with self-improvement, career development, negative self-talk, psychological pain, self-sabotaging behavior, past hurts and finding your purpose. If you are ready to increase your self-awareness and happiness, breakthrough limiting behavior and understand your purpose in life, we’d love to help guide you on this journey.
Depression has many faces and many symptoms. Some bold and some subtle. If you or someone you know may be dealing with depression, it’s important to not only recognize the signs of it but also understand it. Listed below are a few common signs of depression and how to handle it as a loved one, and as a person experiencing it.
The Common Signs Persistent Sadness
Feeling sad at times and happy at others is just part of the ebb and flow of life. What should be alarming is when sadness starts becoming overwhelming and persistent. Overwhelming and persistent sadness is common in people with depression. After the overwhelming, persistent sadness takes over, a sense of hopelessness sets in, making it difficult to see the good in any situation. This hopelessness can make even the simplest of tasks seem like giant obstacles that can’t be overcome.
Loss of Interest
Depression can take the enjoyment out of everything that you once had an interest in. You no longer have the desire to participate in hobbies, sports, going out with friends, and even having sex. Even when you do participate in these activities, they don’t feel as pleasurable, fulfilling, and joy-filled as before.
Isolation
Right after the loss of interest, isolation follows. The isolation can urge you to pull away, and shut down, resulting in feeling lonely and distressed. Isolation isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes, taking a break to recuperate is what a person needs in order to be the best version of themselves. Isolation can increase productivity, allow us to recharge, and even assist us in learning more about ourselves. However, lacking social connections and constantly feeling lonely are signs of too much alone time.
Irritability
Some people with depression have #unexplainable mood swings. The mood swings present themselves as irritability and the irritability becomes frustration and angry outbursts. Over the smallest matters, nothing seems to go right.
Difficulty Concentrating
Depression can make it difficult for you to focus, remember, and even make decisions. People suffering from depression are sometimes less productive at work and school.
Suicidal Tendencies
Many people experience suicidal thoughts when depressed. Suicidal tendencies can include increased use of alcohol, a noticeable increase or noticeable decrease in food intake, making comments about dying, doing risky behavior like using drugs or driving recklessly, randomly having a gun around, knives, or pills.
Low Energy
Depression can make the simplest tasks and activities take extra effort. People with depression may sleep too much or not sleep at all. Sometimes, even after a good night’s rest, they may still feel tired.
What Loved Ones Can Do
Depression is not something that people can easily “snap out of”. It does not take a day for depression to come about and it does not take a day for it to all go away. Many people describe the feeling of depression as being in a deep dark hole and many others don’t recognize or acknowledge their depression.
Family and friends that notice symptoms of depression should continuously invite the depressed loved one to participate in social activities (no matter how often they seem uninterested), remain patient as you help. Even if the depressed loved one constantly declines the invitations, family and friends should still call and visit. The topic of depression should not immediately be brought up, but over some time of listening and asking questions, the option of seeking professional help should be mentioned.
Help should always be carefully suggested and not aggressively forced, or else the depressed loved one could pull away even more. It’s important for family and friends to constantly assure their loved ones that regardless of what is said, they won’t be judged, that no matter what, they can be relied on, and that this feeling and situation will not last forever.
What People Suffering From Depression Can Do
With depression, the desire to do anything is difficult, but being active can combat depression. It’s important for people suffering from depression to attend social events, welcome calls, visits, and check-ups from loved ones. The more isolated a person is, the more depressed they could become.
Set Personal Goals: Depression isn’t something that can immediately go away. specific goals. Daily goals and affirmations of a few things that you are grateful for, sorting out a stack of mail, talking a walk in the park, going to the gym, or watching a comedy can help you to forget you’re depressed
Know it’s only temporary: Despite what thoughts and feelings you have, understand that everything your mind may be telling you isn’t completely accurate. You may feel hopeless and lonely, but that may not be the reality.
If you or someone you know may be experiencing depression, it may be time to consider a therapist. Therapy provides a safe, non-judgmental space where you can release. Therapy can also help identify the cause of one’s depression and offer ways to enjoy life again.
At CWC Coaching, our team consists of licensed therapists, life coaches, and counselors. We assist clients with self-improvement, career development, negative self-talk, psychological pain, self-sabotaging behavior, past hurts and finding your purpose. If you are ready to increase your self-awareness and happiness, breakthrough limiting behavior and understand your purpose in life, we’d love to help guide you on this journey.
In our last blog, we discussed questions to ask your love interest before entering a serious relationship. This week, we’re focusing on more questions to ask and the importance of each one.
Monogamy ?
No matter how strong your desire is to be with the person you’re dating, never assume that monogamy is a given. Be sure that you and your partner are on the same page by asking them how they feel about commitment and exclusivity. This question could save you from a future disappointment & confusion.
What Are Your Long Term Plans for the Future?
While some people have amazing personalities and are capable of having great conversations, they might not be interested in anything more than a casual relationship. As great as the person you’re dating may seem, before taking your relationship to the next level, it’s imperative that you know for sure whether they want a future with you.
Relationship Deal-Breaker for You?
Many people have relationship deal breakers. For some, it might be cheating or domestic abuse. For others, it could be a certain amount of weight gain, being (or not being) of a certain religion/faith, or having certain political views. Find out if you can agree with their deal breakers and if they can with yours.
In a new relationship, being practical and having these discussions can feel so unromantic, however, it’s necessary. Even if you’re afraid the person’s answers won’t align with yours, it’s important to ask. These discussions will propel you to make decisions that can lead to the life you really desire. After having this conversation with your love interest, you must take one of these two steps.
#1- Decide to save yourself from what could be a huge disappointment in the future, by ending the romantic relationship. This will free up your mind and heart for someone that’s better for you.
Or #2- Continue a great relationship with your awesome individual, with much more confidence in your foundation and compatibility.
New love can feel exciting and refreshing. Perhaps you’re considering entering a serious relationship, as it may seem like the next logical step. While there’s no harm in recognizing your feelings, it’s important to ask your love interest these questions before fully jumping in.
At CWC Coaching, our team consists of licensed therapists, life coaches, and counselors. We assist clients with self-improvement, career development, negative self-talk, psychological pain, self-sabotaging behavior, past hurts and finding your purpose. If you are ready to increase your self-awareness and happiness, breakthrough limiting behavior and understand your purpose in life, we’d love to help guide you on this journey.
A new love interest can feel exciting and refreshing. What you have gotten to know about them so far may seem promising & perhaps you’re considering entering a serious relationship with them. Due to your current feelings, it may seem like the next logical step is to jump into a serious relationship with them. While there’s nothing wrong with your feelings and desires, it’s important to ask your love interest these questions first before fully jumping in.
What Do You Consider Cheating?
Cheating means different things to different people. For some, physical cheating is what matters, but for others, cyber cheating, emotional cheating, and text message cheating are equally as devastating & worth mentioning. Where do they draw the line on ideas such as pornography or what is inappropriate to do with other people? Do they even have a line? Before you take your relationship to the next level, you must be on the same page about clear boundaries. But be sure your partner can even agree to these boundaries.
Do You Want Kids?
Perhaps this conversation seems a bit premature, but it needs to be asked early. Wanting to have kids or not is a dealbreaker for many. Why waste your time on someone that doesn’t have the same desires as you? Having children is a big deal & can change the trajectory of one’s life.. so if an adult has decided they don’t want any (or any more), believe it & don’t count on them to change their mind.
Why Didn’t Your Last Relationship Work Out?
Ask your partner about their last relationship. Ask questions such as why it ended, how they coped when it ended, and even what they would have done differently in the relationship. Ask about what went wrong, but also what went right. These answers can be very revealing if you closely pay attention.
As your partner begins opening up about their past relationship, keep in mind that a relationship is a two-way street and many final decisions are a result of what both parties did (or didn’t do). With that being said, pay attention to who gets blamed and what your partner takes responsibility for (if anything).
These kinds of conversations can be emotional and nerve-wracking, so be sure to set the intention to understand your partner better…and be sure to communicate that to them. These kinds of conversations could also help you know what kinds of mistakes the two of you might want to avoid in your own relationship.
In addition to asking these questions, be sure to observe. Observe how they treat the waiter on dates (do they treat certain people as less than? Or equally?) Observe how they look at women/men in public (are they downright mean to others? Do they constantly stare at body parts?) Observe how he/she speaks of their ex (for some that share children, the same place of worship, or work exes, this may be more relevant. What they do may be equally as revealing as what they say. Observation and questions will lead to much insight that will guide you in making your next crucial choices.
Many relationships could be saved if people used better tools to communicate. If the tools you’ve been using to communicate with your partner aren’t working, try using the communication tools listed below. They may not be easy, but they’re simple, and the effects could greatly improve the quality of your relationship.
At CWC Coaching, our team consists of licensed therapists, life coaches, and counselors. We assist clients with self-improvement, career development, negative self-talk, psychological pain, self-sabotaging behavior, past hurts and finding your purpose. If you are ready to increase your self-awareness and happiness, breakthrough limiting behavior and understand your purpose in life, we’d love to help guide you on this journey.
The best relationships are those where both partners are committed to putting in equal amounts of effort, for the sake of wanting to be and make one another happy. As beautiful as the desire to do this may be, neither you or your partner will achieve this without effective communication. Communication problems can leave you feeling frustrated and even wondering if they’re still the best person for you. But before you give it any more thought, you should understand that communication problems are rarely unsolvable. Sometimes a few tweaks are all it takes to get your relationship back on track again. Below are a few causes of relationship communication problems.
HIDING TRUE FEELINGS
The difficulty to resolve issues will continue to be challenging if a partner isn’t honest about their feelings. Whether it be a pet peeve or a strong grudge, don’t bury your feelings. Burying your feelings can result in withdrawal (sometimes not even purposely), resentment, and not being fully engaged with our loved ones. After analyzing your feelings, calmy open up and express to your partner what you wish to change and how you wish to change it. Being open and true about your feelings makes for a happier you and less stressful life.
NOT SPEAKING THEIR LOVE LANGUAGE
Everyone has their own love language. It’s challenging when you and your partner don’t speak the same love language, but you will find that learning to understand & speak your partner’s love language will be very rewarding. Your partner may enjoy receiving small gifts, messages throughout the day that you were thinking of them, foot rubs, praise, or simply some help with chores. Initially, your efforts may not feel genuine or even comfortable, but with practice and time, it will begin to feel natural.
POOR LISTENING SKILLS
Too often, in relationships, people do not exercise active listening. Active listening doesn’t come naturally to us all, however, it can be acquired and developed through practice. Active listening requires giving full attention to the speaker, rather than just passively hearing and waiting for your turn to speak. Once someone feels unheard and unvalidated by their partner or doesn’t understand what the other partner is communicating, frustration is sure to follow. As an active listener, it’s important to convey your actions to your partner, or they may conclude that you aren’t listening. You can convey your actions by both verbal and nonverbal communication. Nonverbally, by maintaining eye contact & nodding your head. Verbally, by carefully listening, encouraging them to continue, then reflecting what they said back to them in your own words (without judgment).
YELLING, SHOUTING, AND SCREAMING
Screaming at your partner should not be acceptable. It is a poor form of communication that takes place in relationships. Yelling, shouting, and screaming are a part of trying to dominate and control the other person. The person screaming may believe they’ve gotten the other person to change, but in reality, it’s easy to shut out and become defensive when being yelled at. Once a person has put up defenses, they’re not listening, only trying to protect themselves. Needless to say, there won’t be clear communication. Perhaps you remember a time you lost it and yelled at your spouse, or maybe you shut them out and didn’t clearly express your true feelings. From time to time, all of these issues listed may arise within your relationship, but it’s important to not let them become normal habits in your relationship.
At CWC Coaching, our team consists of licensed therapists, life coaches, and counselors. We assist clients with self-improvement, career development, negative self-talk, psychological pain, self-sabotaging behavior, past hurts and finding your purpose. If you are ready to increase your self-awareness and happiness, breakthrough limiting behavior and understand your purpose in life, we’d love to help guide you on this journey.
It’s hot, you’re tired, and you haven’t been feeling great this summer. Perhaps school’s out and you have nothing to do, or perhaps your kids are the ones out of school and the stress of having them home all day is more overwhelming than you expected. Perhaps you’ve got the blues from working all day, feeling sluggish, and hardly having the energy to do much after work. You may even feel that you’re supposed to be having a great time during the summer. The sun’s out & everyone else seems so happy & carefree while enjoying their vacations and taking great pictures that seem to only remind you of how much you’re missing out.
Some people deal with a condition known as summer-onset seasonal affective disorder (commonly referred to as summer SAD), a type of depression that follows a seasonal pattern specific to the spring and summer. SAD affects about 4% to 6% of the U.S. population. SAD typically causes depression as the days get shorter and colder. But about 10% of people with SAD get it in the reverse — the onset of summer triggers their depression symptoms. Below are specific symptoms of summer depression.
THE HEAT In the summer, seasonal depression can mean agitation and restlessness.
APPETITE LOSS Changes in appetite and weight in the summer might mean the heat is throwing you off.
ISOLATION If it seems like everyone else is out having fun and enjoying their summer, while you’re frustrated and no longer interested in these activities, it could be depression.
ANXIETY If vacation preparation is more stressful than relaxing or if planning dates with your friends result in you experiencing anxiety, something might be wrong.
TROUBLE SLEEPING Sleep changes, such as insomnia are a common symptom for all depression. Long days of summer sun might exacerbate these problems.
Seasonal affective disorder is diagnosed more often in women than in men. And it occurs more frequently in younger adults than in older adults. Also, sunlight availability can cause fluctuations in melatonin and serotonin levels, and our brain chemicals can deeply impact a variety of mental health disorders. For example, low levels of serotonin transmission in particular areas of the brain have been linked with depression.
An adequate amount of sleep and exercise are recommended to improve depression. If you’re feeling depressed, it can be difficult to get yourself off the couch, much less exercise, but the days you feel least like exercising are the most important days to get out and do it. Exercising regularly may help to ease depression and anxiety by releasing the body’s feel-good chemicals called endorphins. Exercise also triggers an increase in body temperature, and the post-exercise drop in temperature may promote falling asleep. Finally, exercise may reduce insomnia by its effects on circadian rhythms (body clock).
For people with insomnia due to the timing of their body clock, exercise may shift its timing depending upon the time exercise is performed. Symptoms of depression should never be taken lightly. If you suspect that you might be dealing with summer SAD, in addition to exercising, talk with your therapist, to see what treatment plan may be right for you.
At CWC Coaching, our team consists of licensed therapists, life coaches, and counselors. We assist clients with self-improvement, career development, negative self-talk, psychological pain, self-sabotaging behavior, past hurts and finding your purpose. If you are ready to increase your self-awareness and happiness, breakthrough limiting behavior and understand your purpose in life, we’d love to help guide you on this journey.
You’ve been blessed to have a beautiful, loving partner. Unfortunately, they were once abused by their significant other. Even though they’ve moved on, the trauma from their past relationship still remains with them. Even though you weren’t the one abused, chances are, this situation affects you and is affecting your relationship now.
Perhaps your plan was to love your partner into healing. You’ve now, however, realized that no amount of love could remove their trauma and memory. Or maybe, (upon first entering the relationship) your partner covered up their trauma and pain so well that you had no idea it even existed. Unfortunately (as I’m sure you’ve now realized) undealt, suppressed issues never truly leave…no matter how long ago the problem occurred. Former abuse can result in trauma and can very likely affect the way people interact, express, and receive love in present relationships. Abuse can take many forms such as criticism, condemnation, judgment, manipulation, isolation, lying, and claims that the abuser is perfect and the victim is worthless & flawed. The abuser’s intention is to gain control and dominance. So… what can be done about this? What is the proper way to love someone that was previously abused? First, you must understand that your partner simply opening themselves up to love again is an uphill battle. You must also be able to first identify all of the signs of previous abuse that your partner displays, in order to fully address it. Below are some signs of former abuse, that your partner may currently display.
QUESTIONING YOUR KINDNESS
Often times in abusive relationships, the lines between loving actions and abuse become blurry and confusing. Your partner may constantly doubt your sweet gestures and kindness, mistaking it for manipulation and believing that it comes with conditions. This may be due to their ex using similar gestures to manipulate them in the past.
CONSTANT APOLOGIZING
Abusive people tend to blame victims for everything. If that was a big part of your partner’s relationship dynamic in the past, apologizing may become a reflex to them.
NOT VERY EXPRESSIVE
Victims of past abuse rarely feel completely comfortable expressing themselves. They may not feel safe enough to speak up for themselves or be authentic because they fear criticism, condemnation, judgment, or rejection.
NEVER FEELING GOOD ENOUGH
Your partner may talk about (sometimes even in a joke) not being good enough or worthy of your love.
OVEREACTING
Your partner may express abnormal reactions to normal, simple situations. You could be deciding on where to eat, giving your opinion on what your partner should wear, or even being sexually intimate with your partner, and out of nowhere, your partner expresses a shockingly strong reaction. Triggers are common with formerly abused people. In order to not be caught off guard, it’s good to recognize the behaviors, and even expect it from your partner. Now that we’ve recognized some signs, here’s how to deal with them.
TALK ABOUT IT
It’s possible that your partner never fully explained the exact details of their past relationship. Perhaps you’re only aware of the unhealthy relationship dynamic, along with bits and pieces of a few situations that occurred between your partner and their ex. This could have been deliberately done, by your partner, in efforts to move on and forget. Approach this topic in a sensitive way. Let your partner know, without pressuring them, that you’re available and open to listening if they need to talk. If you haven’t already, listen to their story if they’re ready to tell you. You could gain much understanding of your partner’s behavior.
BE PATIENT
Be patient with any fears or difficulties your partner may be having now, as a result of this past trauma.
DON’T ALWAYS MAKE THE DECISIONS
If your partner was abused, it’s likely that they were robbed of the freedom of making their own decisions. You will never agree on everything…that’s a given. Your values may align, but your decisions won’t always. Even if you have your mind/heart set on a certain decision, allow your partner to make their own choice and respect it, regardless of whether or not you agree.
SUPPORT
Even the most self-assured people need a vote of confidence from time to time. Let your partner know that you support them. If he/she feels supported and encouraged, they may feel stronger and more able to make decisions.
REMIND THEM OF THEIR WORTH
Remind your partner that they will never be enough for the wrong people. One of the most important things to do is to constantly reaffirm that they are what you want.
ENCOURAGE PROFESSIONAL HELP
As previously stated, it’s impossible to love a person into complete healing. The best you can do is to consistently be a loving, patient, and understanding partner. The decision to fully heal must come from your partner themselves. However, they can’t do it on their own. With your support and encouragement, a therapist can help.
National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224
At CWC Coaching, our team consists of licensed therapists, life coaches, and counselors. We assist clients with self-improvement, career development, negative self-talk, psychological pain, self-sabotaging behavior, past hurts and finding your purpose. If you are ready to increase your self-awareness and happiness, breakthrough limiting behavior and understand your purpose in life, we’d love to help guide you on this journey.
We now offer online counseling sessions. Our team consists of licensed therapists, life coaches, and counselors. We assist clients with self-improvement, career development, negative self-talk, psychological pain, self-sabotaging behavior, past hurts and finding your purpose. Schedule a FREE call with us.
After you submit your email address you will be taken to the page where you can schedule the FREE call with us. On the next page please select the name of the counselor you would like to speak with and the date + time desired. Click here to learn more about our ONLINE COUNSELING OFFER. Note: this offer is for non-emergencies only. If this is an emergency call 911.