Ask Chantel

“People won’t believe me.”

“My attacker will hurt me or anyone that I tell.”

“I will look stupid for getting into that situation.”

“They will think my ‘promiscuity’ welcomed it.”

“It wasn’t that big of a deal…at the time.”

“It was my fault.”

“They have money.”

“I don’t have evidence.”

And the list goes on and on for reasons why so many sexual assault survivors that don’t report rape, molestation or sexual harassment. We’re in the powerful era of the #MeToo movement. So it comes as no shock that when President Trump asks Christine Blasey Ford why she didn’t report Brett Kavanaugh to the authorities 36 years ago, that men and women all over the world give him endless reasons using the hashtag #WhyIDidntReport.

https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1043130170612244481?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1043130170612244481&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.huffingtonpost.com%2Fentry%2Ftrump-rape-whyididntreport-tweets_us_5ba50a3fe4b0181540dc7998

The irony of the President’s tweet is that his actions actually answer his question. Many survivors fear that people will not believe them if they spoke up for several reasons which often include the survivor’s reputation or the attacker’s popularity. According to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network, two-thirds of sexual assaults are not reported to the police.

#WhyIDidntReport When I was 17, during the summer after I graduated High School, I was supposed to be on a date and ended up the guy took me to a house and 5 guys raped me. I am 72 years old now and this is the first time I have ever spoken up. I have been too ashamed to report

— Barbara Chapnick (@whynotbikethere) September 24, 2018

Because I was in college, drunk at a party and I thought everyone would say it was my own fault. I told him NO, that should have been enough. #WhyIDidntReport

— Aimee B (@Salto_Coach) September 25, 2018

Because I thought it wasn’t rape if you were dating. I thought if you didn’t want to have sex and he did, and forced you to anyway, that was just something that happened in relationships. #WhyIDidntReport

— Brooke Wells (@bracing_brooke) September 25, 2018

Sexual assault affects your mental and emotional state and can leave survivors feeling confused and conflicted. There have been reports that time slowed down during the act, and others that it happened so quickly. Many times people don’t register what is happening immediately, while others have a hard time remembering details. This alone can leave one to think that they don’t have enough information to report, or they’re mind goes into a numbing state that makes their attack seem like “it wasn’t a big deal.”

When it’s someone you trust, like a friend, partner or family member, it can be more easy to convince yourself that maybe it was your fault rather than processing that this person just violated my body and my trust. The list of reasons goes on, but if we are more open to accepting that sexual assault is a real problem, and we encourage and support the survivors who find the courage to tell their story, we can help more men and women feel safe enough to come forward.

Speaking Up Helps Other Survivors Speak Up

Later on in life, saying what happened out loud, or hearing a similar story can help survivors realize that it was rape, molestation, or harassment. This is why it’s so important for us to have this open dialogue. So children, preteens, teenagers, young adults and even grown adults can know that they are not alone. You are worth fighting for. Always remember that there is absolutely no excuse for sexual assault. It doesn’t matter how short the skirt was, how drunk you were, how he/she thought you looked at him/her, it is never your fault, and they have no right to violate you.

Since the hashtag #WhyIDidntReport started, the organization that runs the National Sexual Assault Hotline says it saw a 42 percent increase in phone calls.

That’s how I know that it’s not just a hashtag, not “just another march.” It’s a movement and it is changing everything.

— Angelina (@ngelinafay) September 24, 2018

“I’ll get fired.” That was my reason.

When I was 19 years old, working in the North Psychiatric Institute of the University of California, I was asked by a doctor to step into his office. When I walked in, he threw me up against the wall and started opening up my blouse. It happened so fast, and it took me a second to realize what was happening at that moment. I was so terrified to lose my job. I worked there for almost five years and never told anyone. I was afraid to speak up for myself. #WhyIDidntReport

If you are a survivor of sexual assault, whether it happened a week ago or years ago, please seek help. Speaking about it helps you mentally and emotionally. If you can speak to a trusted friend or a mental health professional, telling your story is the first step in the healing process.

At CWC Coaching, our team consists of licensed therapists, life coaches, and counselors. We assist clients with self-improvement, career development, negative self-talk, psychological pain, self-sabotaging behavior, past hurts and finding your purpose.

If you are ready to increase your self-awareness and happiness, breakthrough limiting behavior and understand your purpose in life, we’d love to help guide you on this journey.

Book your complimentary initial consultation.

When people hear wellness, most minds directly think about physicals, healthy diets and exercise. And while it’s important to maintain all of these aspects of your health, we often forget about our mental health. But it’s not your fault.

Society plays a major role in how we view mental health. Therapy is often seen as extravagant or extreme; you’re either rich or ‘unstable’ before it becomes acceptable. This is simply not true.

I have to say that I am so proud that more people are becoming more open-minded and accepting of therapy as a healing process. But our work isn’t nearly over. August is National Wellness Month, which reminds us to focus on self-care, reducing stress and incorporating healthy habits into your lifestyle.

One of those healthy habits could be therapy, but here’s how you really know it’s time to start looking.

Your Bad Days are Now Weeks

We all have the occasional bad day but when they turn into weeks and months, it might be time to talk to a mental health professional. A lot of us have various ways of dealing with hardship or just feel emotionally drained. But sometimes, that period doesn’t go away with a night out with friends or your favorite music. Sometimes we dwell in that sad state which can transform into depression. Before it gets to this stage, it’s important to speak to a therapist who can help you understand why you feel like you can’t escape this emotional state.

You Feel Like the Stress is Overwhelming

If your stress feels like it’s suffocating you to the point where it’s paralyzing, it’s time to start talking. Sometimes you need a little guidance when it comes to managing stress, and help to figure out why you don’t feel in control. Maybe you feel like you can’t say “no,” you’re afraid of being judged, or you’re putting too much pressure on yourself to achieve perfectionism. Either way, it will help to talk to a professional and understand where these overwhelming feelings derive from.

You Feel Trapped in an Unhealthy Relationship

This could be any type of relationship: romantic, friendship, family, professional. If you are constantly hurt by and hurting someone in a relationship—whether physically, emotionally or mentally—you’re in a toxic relationship. And if you feel glued to this situation and find it hard to leave or stay away from this person, you and the other person can benefit from therapy. Now, your mind is probably going to the extreme, but the situation doesn’t have to be. We sometimes have a habit of making our problems smaller than it actually is. Sometimes it’s what we were taught and other times it serves as a coping mechanism that justifies the unhealthy relationship. If you feel constantly taken advantage of, mistreated, or misunderstood, it could be time to consider seeking outside help.

You’re You

Let me start by saying this, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you if you see a therapist. Sure we all have our problems and habits, but that doesn’t label you as a bad person, crazy or any other names often placed on therapy-goers.

None of us are perfect. Therapy is a way to take a closer look at the more prominent imperfections and start the healing process. It helps you become a better healthier you and it’s an act of self-care. Deciding to go to therapy, is saying, “I want to be better for myself and my loved ones.” So even if you don’t think you’re dealing with depression or anxiety, or you don’t have problems getting over exes, you could still unearth a lot of things about yourself that you were unaware of.

Just start talking to start healing.

To become a happier person, infuse these actions into your daily lifestyle.

At CWC Coaching, our team consists of licensed therapists, life coaches, and counselors. We assist clients with self-improvement, career development, negative self-talk, psychological pain, self-sabotaging behavior, past hurts and finding your purpose.

If you are ready to increase your self-awareness and happiness, breakthrough limiting behavior and understand your purpose in life, we’d love to help guide you on this journey.

Book your complimentary initial consultation.

Last week we talked about finding happiness in your self rather than other entities, like people, material things and careers. If you seek happiness in anything other than yourself, it’s not true, it’s temporary.

We even went into the various ways you can choose happiness on a day-to-day basis. And because you can never be too happy, I’ve come up with four more daily changes you make—for yourself, of course—to feel happier from within.

But before we get into that, here are some of my favorite quotes about happiness being a choice.

“Happiness is a choice, you cannot choose what happens, but you can choose your reaction to it and be happy.” –RVM

 

“If you want to be happy, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.” – Albert Einstein

 

“Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions.” – Dalai Lama

 

“We all have happiness inside and it’s not at all hard to find. It’s sealed deep in our hearts and guarded by our soul. You don’t have to beg to use it. All you have to do is choose it!” – Bebeth

Here’s how you can achieve this in your everyday lifestyle.

Change Up Your Routine

Complacency can be easy to slip into, but it can also impact your mood. If you have a habit of staying late at work every day, going home eating dinner and heading to bed, there’s a lot of room to try something new. Join a book club, go to yoga after work, or take your coworker up on after-work drinks. Or maybe you head out with your friends to the same place after work every Friday—you can call up a friend you haven’t seen in a while or enjoy some alone time instead.

Figure out what new things you’d like to try and go for it. Stop waiting for the ‘right time’ to go after your passion; just start. The time is always now to do whatever makes you happy.

Be Appreciative

Gratitude is one of the most positive things we can do for others and ourselves. Sometimes life can throw a lot of negativity our way that it blinds us from all the good things we can be thankful for. Keeping a gratitude journal is one of my favorite ways to focus on the positive. Every day or once a week, write down at least one good thing that has happened to keep them top of mind. Anytime you feel like life is beating you down, you’ll have it as a reference to look back on. You can even keep a gratitude journal for your relationship to keep you and your partner happy.

Let Go of Grudges

This is a big one that prevents us from happiness. There’s a common misconception that choosing to stay mad at someone punishes him or her, but it actually affects you more. If someone hurts you and you hold a grudge, their life goes on and they may even be unfazed, whether they’ve apologized or not. But you’re still living with that anger and dwelling on the pain, which is holding you back from happiness. Letting go doesn’t mean they win and it doesn’t mean what they did was okay, but it does set you free from the hurt that you’re feeling.

So if you are currently holding a new or longtime grudge, I urge you to try and forgive for your happiness and peace of mind.

At CWC Coaching, our team consists of licensed therapists, life coaches, and counselors. We assist clients with self-improvement, career development, negative self-talk, psychological pain, self-sabotaging behavior, past hurts and finding your purpose.

If you are ready to increase your self-awareness and happiness, breakthrough limiting behavior and understand your purpose in life, we’d love to help guide you on this journey.

Book your complimentary initial consultation

You are in charge of your own happiness.

Friendships, relationships and money can add to your happiness, but they aren’t meant to be your main source of happiness. The decisions we make are what impact how happy we truly feel. This is why I wouldn’t recommend getting involved in a romantic relationship because you’re lonely, or staying in a toxic friendship because you don’t feel like there’s anyone else who you can connect with.

When you seek happiness from outside sources, you are unfortunately setting yourself up for more pain and disappointment. True happiness comes from security within ourselves. Getting to know yourself, your passions, what you like, what you don’t like can help you make better decisions to be happier in life.

Here are a few daily changes you can make to help your journey to happiness.

Meditate and Exercise

You can do them both on the same day or interchange them throughout your week, but these two can create serious superpowers when it comes to your mood. Researchers have actually found that mediation and exercise combined can reduce depression. They both help our brains release neurons that keep our minds active. Exercise also increases our endorphin levels—the feel-good hormone—while mediation can help us make a shift towards more positive thinking.

Listen and Communicate Effectively

These actions alone can reduce tension. Being a better communicator and taking the time to understand the viewpoints and feelings of others can build strong relationships. Over time this reduces miscommunication and avoids unnecessary conflict, which lessens the stress in your life. And if you feel an argument coming along, take down the defenses and be mindful of one another’s feelings. Listen to understand and resolve, rather than listening to provide your comebacks to their point.

Take Care of Yourself

The key to this is making time. Even if you start by finding ten minutes in the day to do something for you, start. Self-care isn’t a time waster, it can actually make you more productive. When you’re stressed out and frazzled, your productivity decreases, even if you don’t realize it. Recharge your mind and body by relaxing, taking your mind off of work, getting alone time from your family—do anything that can help you feel like you again.

Set a Time to Ditch Social Media

The best time to do this is an hour or two before bed. Social media is filtered with perfectionism that doesn’t always seem achievable in the real world. This digital world can have a major impact on the confidence, self-esteem and self-worth of some people. It’s not about being shallow, but it’s just how the human brain and emotions work. We see bloggers, celebrities and even friends posting the very best highlights of their lives and the best angles of their bodies, and it can make some people feel insecure. There’s nothing wrong with taking a step back to reflect on the good in your life and to remind yourself that Instagram doesn’t always reflect reality.

Forgiving yourself can also help you become a happier person. Here’s why you should and how you can do it successfully.

At CWC Coaching, our team consists of licensed therapists, life coaches, and counselors. We assist clients with self-improvement, career development, negative self-talk, psychological pain, self-sabotaging behavior, past hurts and finding your purpose.

If you are ready to increase your self-awareness and happiness, breakthrough limiting behavior and understand your purpose in life, we’d love to help guide you on this journey.

Book your complimentary initial consultation.